Matt Branscome

Here's a poem I wrote tonight:

I am the man
who befriended a roach
there's a twist in my head
'cause I know they're so gross

But I am a sad friend
'cause I like cat and mouse
and he wasn't invited,
after all, into my house

He's stolen my garbage,
my cheeses, my cakes,
and I quite suspect
he digs the trouble he makes

But I'll get revenge
I'll be a-chortlin'
Because I've made a call
to a certain Mr. Orkin

Okay, this was inspired by the haunted apartment I live above, which my landlord leases to all sorts of undesirable losers- jam-bands, frat-boys who have moved on to the profitable careers of dishwashing, and most recently, Kyle and Alina, the young couple who loved to sceam and fight, in the wee hours of the night. They were the latest and worst, violent and drunk, or jobless and Canadien (that's how I chose to spell it), and the cops would have to come in the a.m. to sort them out lots, and shoot episodes of "Cops: Depressing White Trash Domestic Disturbances, episode 4.562", I suppose. Anyway, they were just kicked out, and as it happens, every time someone is kicked out, their beloved pet roaches try to invade my place. It's happened several times now, but I'm vigilant enough to capture these stray animals and take them to the local SPCA so that they may be adopted, perhaps by some Creationist who recognizes "God's" (Not the Flying Spaghetti Monster, of course) intelligently-designed roaches as adorable and great pets to "dress up"!

I mock the Intelligent Design crowd, and they seem to be sports about it, but why are the Malevolently Designed foks so quiet? Is it some game developing company co-opting their cause's name, I wonder? I'm inverted fundamentalist FSM, ARRGH Mateys!, But I was raised in a Malevolent Design home, and when I was told at a confirmation retreat at some smelly downtown punk club, or rather in the alley behind it by a counselor that was buying me alcohol and trying to skeeze on me, to quote: "I hear what you're saying, and Billy Joel had a song back in the early eighties that addresses the same issue exactly, youngling. It was either 'Pressure', or 'For the Longest Time', I forget which, but that's beside the point. Maybe Satan didn't split the spine of Heaven to form Earth. I know I shouldn't be saying this, but let me rap with you,". She didn't start rapping hip-hop, just to be clear. "Malevolent Design has many strange teachings that you will begin to understand, over time, but now is not the time to let science lead you astray. A general idea of the truth is that Satan created the concept of science in the minds of all beasts, birds and fungi to confuse you...Oh! Shit, forget I said that". And I almost did, thanks to the shoplifted Maneschevits wine and her tongue on my fillings. I forgot a lot that night, but not the wet stank behind that club, and I don't mean her. After, she made me swear if the cops asked about this, I'd "be cool". I was confused, and eventually confirmed into the MaleDes non-profit research group, Junior Division, which was really just some cult, according to 60 Minutes's Morley Safer. He interviewed me, but we could never decide what's true. Bastard!